I pride myself on being a resilient person, and I greatly admire others who demonstrate resilience. I am in awe of public figures like burns survivor Turia Pitt and anti-domestic violence campaigner Rosie Batty, and of those in my own life who have faced trauma with dignity and strength.
You probably know people who always seem to cope brilliantly, no matter what challenges or crises life throws their way. But no matter how robust or resilient a person seems to be, I can guarantee that they will need support, too.
Picture of resilience, Michelle Obama. Credit:AP
One of the traits of most robust people is that they rarely ask for help, or accept help when it is offered. This doesn’t mean they believe that it’s weak to ask for help; they appreciate and enjoy people turning to them. Rather, mentally tough people need to be regarded as "copers", by the world, and, more significantly, by themselves.
Comedian, writer and cancer survivor Emma Markezic researched resilience for her book Curveballs: How to Keep It Together when Life Tries to Tear You a New One. She believes the reason resilient people rarely ask for help is because they don’t wish to become redundant as the person others turn to for support.
“Typically, robust people would rather suffer in silence now, and be a pillar of strength for people to rely on later than seek aid in their moment of need,” Ms Markezic says.
“It’s just part of their makeup. Which of course is a terrible way to go about being a human, but is also akin to being a good friend, at least for them.”
Still, just because stoic people don’t reach out in times of crisis doesn’t mean that they don’t need recognition and support. No one breezes through a divorce, or a serious accident, or a cancer diagnosis. No one is unfazed by bereavement, or forced redundancy, or the illness of a loved one. No one finds it easy to parent a special needs child, or deal with financial strain, or care for an elderly relative.
A robust person may never cry or complain, and they won't fall apart and need propping up by others. When you see them in the midst of a crisis, they might smile and look perfectly okay and shrug off the crisis as though it's not a big deal.
“Oh, yes, my daughter is in hospital again,” they might say. “She’s being well taken care of,” or, “Our house was wrecked in the floods. But at least we’re all still healthy!”
Turia Pitt is a burns survivor, athlete, humanitarian, author and mother, and an inspiration for many.
Still, although they may not ask for support, what they’d love is for you, their friend, to offer it anyway. People still need each other, and need love and nurturing, whether they show their vulnerability or not.
So how can you care for the strong person in your life?
Firstly, Markezic suggests, keep asking them for help: “This sounds counterproductive, but a lot of mentally resilient people have essentially created for themselves this [system] whereby they get their strength from supporting others. Weird but it works for them.”
Your instinct may be to step back from the strong person, and spare them the strain of giving you help or advice. But allowing them to connect with you in this way could energise them, and actually help them to cope.
Secondly, reach out to your friend with suggestions about their situation.
“If you know your friend is dealing with a divorce/horrible boss/unruly teenager, send a text that says, 'I’ve been thinking about your situation and maybe you can try this...',” Markezic says.
“It is effective in so many ways. It says you’re thinking about them, that you want to help, and that you understand they’re in a lousy situation. They might not take any of your advice, but they will absolutely bathe in your moral support.”
And finally, keep telling your strong friend that you are there for them. They will probably not take you up on your offer, but that doesn't mean they don't need to hear it.
“It’s not unlike constantly needing to tell a puppy that he’s a good boy every time he sits,” Markezic says. “Strong people love adoration and attention, and they will take note of your offer, every time.”
This, to me, is the key to supporting a strong person. Resilient people long to be seen. They long to be recognised for their strength, and for how well they are managing. It's hard work, being robust all the time. A little acknowledgement can go a very long way.
Curveballs: How to Keep It Together when Life Tries to Tear You a New One by Emma Markezic (Harper Collins) is out now.